I have a problem with my fiancee
that is related to her clitoris. Actually I'm new to sex, so I need
some advices. My fiancee is still a virgin, and I don't want to
spoil that till we are married, so I tried to satisfy her sexuality
by manually stimulating her clitoris. I was surprized when she told
me that this causes a pain whenever I touch her clitoris and she
refused any more manual touches! What I know is that (as a tradition
in our country) a part of her clitoris was cut! in order to keep her
calm and not easily excited, but I don't know if this is the reason
or not, especially that this was done a long time ago (approx. 5
years). And if it is, how can I overcome such a problem? She said
she feels it, and it gives her a delicious feeling, but suddenly (as
if it's a bad move from me) she feels a severe pain that spoils
everything. Does this means that (with a more wise stimulation) I
still can give her a clitoral orgasm? And if yes, how can I? Thanks
for listening, and I hope I can have an answer soon. bye... (Name
Your letter has made
me both very sad and also happy. I am sad for your fiancée that her
genitals have been cut, as this will probably make sex very
difficult for her. But I’m happy that she has such a kind and
sensitive fiancée that so obviously cares about her happiness.
I firstly want to say
that I’m not an expert, or a doctor. I can only give you advice as
What has happened to
your fiancée is known as female genital mutilation (FGM) or
“female circumcision”. It is a tradition in many countries to
cut off the clitoris, and to sometimes cut off the labia and sew the
wound together. I cannot tell from your letter what form of
“circumcision” she has had; hopefully it is not too extreme.
Nonetheless, it sounds as though touching that area can be painful.
This is going to make sex difficult for her, and for you. She may
have damaged nerve endings or painful scar tissue in that area.
I’m not sure what
country you are from, but my main advice would be for your fiancée
to see a doctor, to assess the damage. This may not be appropriate
until you are married.
In terms of giving
her pleasure… it’s difficult for me to say how to go about this.
I must admit I’ve never encountered this problem before. I think
you need to talk with your fiancée, and experiment. She needs to
learn to touch herself, to discover what feels good. You need to
listen to her advice and go carefully. Over 80% of women who’ve
suffered FGM are able to achieve some form of orgasm. This is good
news. But you must remember that she has been damaged in that area
and may not be functioning normally. (Please also remember, this is
not expert advice!)
If you aren’t
familiar with what a normal clitoris and vulva look like, you may
wish to look at the picture on this
If your fiancée isn’t too nervous,
ask to see her genitals, and compare them with this picture. It may
give you an idea of what’s missing.
There may be a counselling and advice
centre near you that deals specifically with this problem. http://www.fgm.org/
is an advocacy website that may be able to help. If you feel you can
tell me where you’re from, I can do some online research and try
to find help in your area.
Here are some websites that offer
information on FGM:
FGM Advice - Advocates and
Story - Waris is a Somalian woman who became a model in Britain.
She suffered FGM as a child, and has become the UN advocate against
Clitoris - another helpful website.
I sincerely hope that things work out
for you and your finance, and I ask that, if you have daughters in
the future, you refrain from circumcising them.
Please email if you have any further
questions, I’m very keen to help you.
You’ll never imagine how happy I was when I
read your kind message, I would like to
thank you for your advice and I’m
happy to tell you that it was helpful for me to understand the
problem exactly and put in mind what to
do the next time I meet my fiancée. The
case (in my opinion) doesn’t need an expert than it
needs a friend that can tell what he (she) see right
sincerely, and I think I’ve found that friend.
by the way, I’ve previously asked some experts about
that problem and here what they said: -“If
she experiences touches pain, then you can forget to
give her an orgasm!” (Dr. Lin) -“Go
and find another girl with a whole clit!!” (Rebecca). I’ve been shocked and remained staring at
the screen for five minutes!
from EGYPT, and for
the question you asked about my daughter I answer that
I’ll fight this horrible thing to be done to her as
long as I’m alive. I’m proud to say
(if you don’t mind) that you’ll be my best
friend from now on, and if I had further experiences
about this case, it will be posted directly
to your mail. Thank you again for being
so kind and honest, and I hope you keep
Withheld (A man who you made happy)
It made me very pleased to know that
And I'm sorry that you've had such
unhelpful advice from other people.
I really think your fiancée will
need to talk to other women who've overcome this - hopefully they'll
have first-hand advice on how best to enjoy sex.
think one of the best places to find these women is at the Legal
Research and Resource Center for Human Rights, Cairo, Egypt
Their work is mainly legal, but they
should be able to point you towards self-help groups in your area.
I've also realised that you may want
to learn more about clitorises. There's a great site at The
Clitoris.com which has anatomical drawings and heaps of
information on the subject.
I hope I haven't misrepresented the
situation when I said 80% of women can have good sex - I don't know
how badly damaged your fiancée is, so this statistic may not apply
However, I do want to tell you that
research in 1998 revealed that the nerve endings of the clitoris go
deep into the pelvis, and the organ is much larger than previously
thought. This may explain why your fiancée feels some pleasure when
you touch her.
I'm very pleased to have made a
friend in Egypt, especially in this time of international tension.
Once again, I wish you good luck in
your quest for happiness. And blessings to your fiancée.
Note About This Question
This is a real email I got a couple
of years ago. It terrified me because this was such a serious
situation and I am not a sex therapist or doctor. At the same time,
I knew this man needed some information and advice. I did my best.
I've published these emails because I don't doubt there are other
men and women like this out there, dealing with "female
circumcision" in whatever way they can.
It is a delicate cultural issue, and my response is based on Western
philosophy. Some may say I'm meddling in something I have no
business to speak about - but I'm a woman and I felt great sympathy
for this couple.
In her book The Whole Woman, Germaine Greer argues that
Western women should butt out of this issue. She says that it is a
form of body transformation similar to tattooing or piercing. I
reject this statement because so often FGM is performed on young
girls and no consent is given. This is about human rights, and child
Certainly in this case, the woman involved had it done as a young
girl, and the result is she may be unable to enjoy a fulfilling sex
life. My heart went out to her, and to her earnest fiancé who was
so very desperate to make her happy.
Read the books by Waris Dirie