Grandma Scrotum's Sex Advice

I have a problem with my fiancee that is related to her clitoris. Actually I'm new to sex, so I need some advices. My fiancee is still a virgin, and I don't want to spoil that till we are married, so I tried to satisfy her sexuality by manually stimulating her clitoris. I was surprized when she told me that this causes a pain whenever I touch her clitoris and she refused any more manual touches! What I know is that (as a tradition in our country) a part of her clitoris was cut! in order to keep her calm and not easily excited, but I don't know if this is the reason or not, especially that this was done a long time ago (approx. 5 years). And if it is, how can I overcome such a problem? She said she feels it, and it gives her a delicious feeling, but suddenly (as if it's a bad move from me) she feels a severe pain that spoils everything. Does this means that (with a more wise stimulation) I still can give her a clitoral orgasm? And if yes, how can I? Thanks for listening, and I hope I can have an answer soon. bye... (Name Withheld)

Your letter has made me both very sad and also happy. I am sad for your fiancée that her genitals have been cut, as this will probably make sex very difficult for her. But I’m happy that she has such a kind and sensitive fiancée that so obviously cares about her happiness.

I firstly want to say that I’m not an expert, or a doctor. I can only give you advice as a friend.

What has happened to your fiancée is known as female genital mutilation (FGM) or “female circumcision”. It is a tradition in many countries to cut off the clitoris, and to sometimes cut off the labia and sew the wound together. I cannot tell from your letter what form of “circumcision” she has had; hopefully it is not too extreme. Nonetheless, it sounds as though touching that area can be painful. This is going to make sex difficult for her, and for you. She may have damaged nerve endings or painful scar tissue in that area.

I’m not sure what country you are from, but my main advice would be for your fiancée to see a doctor, to assess the damage. This may not be appropriate until you are married.

In terms of giving her pleasure… it’s difficult for me to say how to go about this. I must admit I’ve never encountered this problem before. I think you need to talk with your fiancée, and experiment. She needs to learn to touch herself, to discover what feels good. You need to listen to her advice and go carefully. Over 80% of women who’ve suffered FGM are able to achieve some form of orgasm. This is good news. But you must remember that she has been damaged in that area and may not be functioning normally. (Please also remember, this is not expert advice!)

If you aren’t familiar with what a normal clitoris and vulva look like, you may wish to look at the picture on this site.

If your fiancée isn’t too nervous, ask to see her genitals, and compare them with this picture. It may give you an idea of what’s missing.

There may be a counselling and advice centre near you that deals specifically with this problem. http://www.fgm.org/ is an advocacy website that may be able to help. If you feel you can tell me where you’re from, I can do some online research and try to find help in your area.

Here are some websites that offer information on FGM:
Amnesty International 
FGM Network 
FGM Advice - Advocates and advice 
Waris Dirie Story - Waris is a Somalian woman who became a model in Britain. She suffered FGM as a child, and has become the UN advocate against the practice.

Celebrate Clitoris - another helpful website.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you and your finance, and I ask that, if you have daughters in the future, you refrain from circumcising them.

Please email if you have any further questions, I’m very keen to help you.

- Grandma

Dear Grandma, You’ll never imagine how happy I was when I read your kind message, I would like to thank you for your advice and I’m happy to tell you that it was helpful for me to understand the problem exactly and put in mind what to do the next time I meet my fiancée. The case (in my opinion) doesn’t need an expert than it needs a friend that can tell what he (she) see right sincerely, and I think I’ve found that friend.

And by the way, I’ve previously asked some experts about that problem and here what they said: -“If she experiences touches pain, then you can forget to give her an orgasm!” (Dr. Lin) -“Go and find another girl with a whole clit!!” (Rebecca). I’ve been shocked and remained staring at the screen for five minutes!

I’m from EGYPT, and for the question you asked about my daughter I answer that I’ll fight this horrible thing to be done to her as long as I’m alive. I’m proud to say (if you don’t mind) that you’ll be my best friend from now on, and if I had further experiences about this case, it will be posted directly to your mail. Thank you again for being so kind and honest, and I hope you keep in contact.

This is a real email I got a couple of years ago. It terrified me because this was such a serious situation and I am not a sex therapist or doctor. At the same time, I knew this man needed some information and advice. I did my best.

I've published these emails because I don't doubt there are other men and women like this out there, dealing with "female circumcision" in whatever way they can.

It is a delicate cultural issue, and my response is based on Western philosophy. Some may say I'm meddling in something I have no business to speak about - but I'm a woman and I felt great sympathy for this couple.

In her book The Whole Woman, Germaine Greer argues that Western women should butt out of this issue. She says that it is a form of body transformation similar to tattooing or piercing. I reject this statement because so often FGM is performed on young girls and no consent is given. This is about human rights, and child abuse.

Certainly in this case, the woman involved had it done as a young girl, and the result is she may be unable to enjoy a fulfilling sex life. My heart went out to her, and to her earnest fiancé who was so very desperate to make her happy.