Grandma Scrotum's Sex Advice

Dear mama! Hello! I'm getting married in couple of weeks. I have no idea how to start up with my wife. Can you please tell me step by step what should I do when every one leaves us alone I mean what should I say to her or how do I start to create her mood for sex. How should I start? What is the first thing I should do or say to her that shows me that she wants to have sex. How can I make her body temperature rise from normal. How would I know if my wife is ready for sex. Please tell me every thing from A to Z, step by step. I will wait for your answer anxiously. Thank you so much for your time.


Hi Amir,
Thanks for writing. Grandma Scrotum's is more of a humour site than anything else, but I'm willing to take your letter seriously. Anyone as keen to please a woman as you needs to be taken seriously.

I'm assuming you're a virgin, but you know the basic facts. If you don't, I recommend you visit this site: (now defunct, sorry), and it's a good factual site about sex, especially what women want from sex. It also has a lot of good links. I really recommend you visit it.

If you've seen a porn video, or a sex site for men, you should not assume your wife will act like the women in those situations. Women don't have orgasms simply through intercourse.

Don't be afraid to talk. Say that you love her. If you're nervous, tell her - she's probably nervous too. Ask her what she wants. Speak quietly and lovingly. Reassure her that you won't hurt her. Set out to explore each other gently.

Kiss and hug her. A lot. Stroke her hair. Undress her slowly. Run your fingers across her stomach, enjoy the feel of her skin. Touch her breasts gently. Suck them gently. If your wife is aroused by then, her genitals should become moist, and her nipples will swell.

The big thing to remember is the clitoris. As long as you touch or lick or tickle it, your wife should be happy. Be gentle to begin with. Ask her how she wants you to touch it.

You should also remember that she may be shy, embarrassed or scared, and this will affect how well she responds to sex. The more relaxed she is, the easier to please she will be. A good lover thinks about how his partner is feeling, and responds to that.

Finally, if she is a virgin, be extremely gentle when you finally begin intercourse (I recommend you spend at least 15 minutes beforehand touching her and arousing her). 

If she has not had an orgasm, don't worry. It takes practice, and you will learn over time. Ask her if it was OK, ask if she feels satisfied. If she doesn't, go for the clitoris again. You will need patience - a woman's orgasm can be many minutes in coming.

Good luck with your marriage. Remember, communication is the key.

- Grandma Scrotum






Disclaimer: Grandma Scrotum is not a sex therapist. This advice is for entertainment purposes only.
It's based on research and common sense. It's always a good idea to consult a doctor or therapist for sex advice.