Ask Grandma

Note: This site is now defunct. Please visit For The Girls Instead!

What are the benefits of tying your man's penis to a piece of string? Well, obviously you can then take him for walks without having him sniffing at the rear end of anything that passes by.

Women's Porno is also able to offer other useful suggestions, but there's plenty more than just penis-origami at this impressive women's sex site.

I particularly enjoyed the naked man in gallery 23. He had this peculiar look on his face right at the moment of orgasm... like he'd forgotten to put the cat out. Fenwick used to look like that a lot, especially in his later years, when he regularly forgot to let the cat out.

I should let you know right now that Womens Porno wins as far as value for money goes. A trial membership lasts for 3 days and costs $2.95... but the best thing is that you then get FREE ACCESS to 21 other porn sites.

My pension doesn't go far, so I was quite pleased with this deal. Just for curiosity sake I went over to Fetish Hospital... it was rather extreme, I must say. I watched a video of a woman having sex with a metre-long blue dildo... her expression was a little hard to describe, but the doctors inserting the thing seemed to find it quite a lot of fun. 

It brought to mind a rather nasty experience I had in hospital, after Fenwick and I experimented with a particularly impressive German sausage...

Well, anyway dears, Womens Porno is a very large site, and if you're curious about what goes on in paysites, this is probably the one to try, because you get to find out what all those dirty men are looking at as well.

Note: This site is now defunct. Please visit For The Girls Instead!

Hello My Dears!

Everyone knows that when you've got a problem, you ask someone wrinkly. Well, here you go. Got a terribly embarrassing sexual problem you can't tell your doctor about? Ask Grandma.

I'm 35 and have been married for over ten years.  Lately it seems that our sex life has become rather boring. How can I spice it up? - Bored.

I've found the best thing for putting the zing back into your marriage is electrodes, preferably strapped to the nipples.  When Fenwick and I were rating a zero on the scorchimeter we discovered that there's a lot you can do with a car battery and a pair of jumper leads.  Of course, they've got those new fangled especially-created electrodes that you can buy from some sex shops, but I find they don't produce the same zappy happiness as old fashioned near-electrocution.

What exactly are "golden showers"? - Curious.

I believe it's an ancient Latin term for urinating on someone during sex, often into their mouths.  This practice originated during the war when there was a champagne shortage.  Much rarer during sex is the "technicolor shower", although it is often seen at colleges after a few kegs.  Meanwhile, the "green shower", given by someone with a severe headcold, and the "ear wax shower" are so rare as to not actually exist at all.

How do I get grass stains out of white trousers?  Also, I'm only just learning how to orgasm. Is there a sure-fire masturbation technique for women? - Learner.

I heartily recommend a washing machine, on both counts. I once owned an absolute cracker of a Hoover that used to have me in ecstasy for most of the washday.  By the time I'd finished sitting on it, it had jiggled halfway across the laundry. And if that doesn't work, dye the trousers lime green.

Amir's Wedding

Dear mama!
Hello! How r u?  Im getting married in couple of weeks.  I have no idea how to start up with my wife. Can you please tell me step by step what should I do when every one leaves us alone I mean what should I say to her or how do I start to create her mood for sex.  How should I start?  What is the first thing I should do or say to her that shows me that she wants to have sex.  How can I make her body temperature rise from normal. How would I know if my wife is ready for sex.  Please tell me every thing from A to Z, step by step.  I will wait for your answer anxiously.  Thank you so much for your time.

Bye
Amir

Thanks for writing. Grandma Scrotum's is more of a humour site than anything else, but I'm willing to take your letter seriously. Anyone as keen to please a woman as you needs to be taken seriously.

I'm assuming you're a virgin, but you know the basic facts. If you don't, I recommend you visit The-Clitoris.com, and it's a good factual site about sex, especially what women want from sex. It also has a lot of good links. I really recommend you visit it.

If you've seen a porn video, or a sex site for men, you should not assume your wife will act like the women in those situations. Women don't have orgasms simply through intercourse.

Don't be afraid to talk. Say that you love her. If you're nervous, tell her - she's probably nervous too. Ask her what she wants. Speak quietly and lovingly. Reassure her that you won't hurt her. Set out to explore each other gently.

Kiss and hug her. A lot. Stroke her hair. Undress her slowly. Run your fingers across her stomach, enjoy the feel of her skin. Touch her breasts gently. Suck them gently. If your wife is aroused by then, her genitals should become moist, and her nipples will swell.

The big thing to remember is the clitoris. As long as you touch or lick or tickle it, your wife should be happy. Be gentle to begin with. Ask her how she wants you to touch it.

You should also remember that she may be shy, embarrassed or scared, and this will affect how well she responds to sex. The more relaxed she is, the easier to please she will be. A good lover thinks about how his partner is feeling, and responds to that.

Finally, if she is a virgin, be extremely gentle when you finally begin intercourse (I recommend you spend at least 15 minutes beforehand touching her and arousing her).

If she has not had an orgasm, don't worry. It takes practice, and you will learn over time. Ask her if it was OK, ask if she feels satisfied. If she doesn't, go for the clitoris again. You will need patience a woman's orgasm can be many minutes in coming.

Good luck with your marriage. Remember, communication is the key.

Grandma Scrotum

PS - So many people have asked real questions that I've put them in a separate section - Grandma Scrotum's REAL Sex Advice.
 

Grandma Recommends...

  Ms Naughty's Toy Store is full of washing-machine substitutes that fit into the bedside drawer far better. They cannot, however, help with stain removal problems.

Sex toys have come a long way, my dears, since my old hand-turned wooden BigBoy came out on the market. Oh, yes, it's all moulded silicon and nuclear power these days. Here's some you may find useful. I'll stick to the Electric Bakelite version myself.

Julie Ashton's Pocket Rocket
As far as I know, Julie Ashton has never been into space, so this is not some kind of miniature space shuttle. Seems such a pity, really. In any case, it IS a small vibrator that can be taken anywhere, and offers up the opportunity to use the classic come-one line: "I've got a rocket in my pocket AND I'm happy to see you."

Vibrating Panties
This is a newer version of my own invention. Back in the 50's I hooked up my big white Cottontails to the washing machine via a pair of electrodes. Sure, it put me in hospital for a week, but when I got home, my dear late husband Fenwick didn't know what hit him. In any case, these modern vibrating panties are often used by female politicians to relieve the boredom of day-to-day negotiation. I believe Hilary Clinton popularised them back in the early 90's.

There's plenty more whizz-bang, new fangled sex toys at Ms Naughty's Toy Store. And lots of novelties too. I like the erotic games section. Didn't have those back when I was married. Fenwick and I were forced to play erotic scrabble, and it ruined many a romantic evening, I can tell you.

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